Why do we feel guilty about boundaries?
Updated: Oct 24, 2020
When you have no boundaries you can feel used, resentful, fearful, tired and uncomfortable..
You might be saying yes to things you don't really want to do, you might even be offering. Why? Because you're either trying to prove you're a good person (to yourself as much as others), or you're afraid of disapproval.
Where does the discomfort for having boundaries come from?
Possibly childhood, where we may have had no voice..
Maybe controlling parent/s who's emotional withdrawal, criticism and blatant disapproval left us feeling shame and sadness when we didn't behave the way they wanted..
To the point where we not only didn't know we had the right to have boundaries, we literally stayed stuck in the belief that we weren't worthy of saying no to anything regardless.
So we grew up with that limit that was placed on us by the behavior of our parents, an abuser, school bully, critical teacher or relative.. we made it mean that we are not worthy, or we don't have the right to draw the line, and/or ask for, or demand respect.
* We say yes when we mean no * We choose, and put up with, abusive partners, friends, family * We offer to do all the errands, organising, supporting . If you do not have boundaries even 'good' people couldn't be blamed for thinking you were totally OK with whatever you're doing for them. *Remember you teach people how to treat you by what you allow..
And 'bad' people will love it because they benefit from your lack of self worth. You may even be drawn to Narcissists and Sociopaths who will exploit you because they are a reflection of what you believe about yourself and the world around you.
Task: write a list of the things you do that you don't really want to, the people you hang out with who actually make you feel uncomfortable and unworthy, the stuff you say yes to that you are sick of volunteering for.
Start making different choices, start saying no, stop volunteering for things.. and pay attention to who kicks up a stink about it..
The only people who tend to get upset when you start having boundaries are those who benefited from you having none..