When you reach out for support it needs to feel good during the call, and it needs to feel uncomfortable, however it's a different kind of uncomfortable. The worst thing is that if you're 'sold' into a coaching arrangement, (yes it still happens, trainers are teaching new coaches to get the client no matter what..yuk!), you're starting with fractured trust, doubt, and shame, not a healthy mix for any kind of positive results. You should definitely be asked questions that will
Yet you’ll rarely hear others use it at all. Let’s look at where unhealthy dependence on the word comes from and why we use it. Parents, when wanting to encourage their children to attempt something new, be it food, riding a bike, colouring in between the lines, etc, will say: ‘Just try it’
‘Try harder next time’
‘Try your best’ This could be said in loving, encouraging or excited tones, (therefore pretty harmless), or it could be laced with frustration, impatience and disapp
Yet we’ll repeatedly roll out the welcome mat for relationships that are bad for us.. But it makes perfect sense if we’ve experienced or witnessed some kind of trauma as a child. Kids attach meaning to anything that happens around them, or to them, and the most common ones are that we are not good enough, we don’t matter, we don’t deserve what others have, there’s something wrong with us, and that opening up isn’t safe. We reject what we believe we aren’t worthy of, and let t
It's like handing them a fresh bullet to reload their gun because they missed us the first time. When we leave, or even before, we’ll tell someone else what it was like, what they did, why we are so glad it’s over. We will list what they did to us and finally acknowledge it to ourselves because verbalising it makes it so much more real.. and surreal. But then doubt creeps in, ‘should I have left? Was it really that bad? Am I crazy? Ungrateful maybe’? I’ve had an ex say ‘at le
We can’t NOT choose someone who’ll confirm that for us, and we will go back to them, even if it’s a toxic situation. What’s the thought process behind this? (Because going back won’t make sense to anyone who’s got a healthy sense of Self). Here it is: We think to ourselves, ‘if we are so unworthy and undeserving that someone (we kinda knew wasn’t good for us but they wanted us, right?) would treat us like that, how on earth could a good person want us, let alone see us as lov
‘40% of premature deaths are due to behaviours that could have been changed’ – University of Pennsylvania - Quoted by Katy Milkman, who’s research relies on big data and field experiments around human behaviour (my favourite topic!). So, what are these behaviours that lengthen our life and add quality to it, and how can we change if we are choosing habits that will hinder our chances? More importantly though, how can we make those changes lasting? The things we choose to do,
When you have no boundaries you can feel used, resentful, fearful, tired and uncomfortable.. You might be saying yes to things you don't really want to do, you might even be offering. Why? Because you're either trying to prove you're a good person (to yourself as much as others), or you're afraid of disapproval. Where does the discomfort for having boundaries come from? Possibly childhood, where we may have had no voice.. Maybe controlling parent/s who's emotional withdrawal,
'Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'.. I call BULLSHIT! A lot of people say affirmations are rubbish yet they use them every day themselves.. When you realise how powerful words are, whether spoken out loud, or just a thought, you will be so much more careful with yourself and others. Your subconscious mind doesn't distinguish whether something is true or not, it simply goes to work to find evidence to prove you right, based on what YOU believe
Your body craves familiar chemicals, it’s addicted to what you’ve given it for decades and will resist like a toddler throwing a fit in Kmart when you start to grow and change your biology. So if you’re an angry person, or scared of everything, or even super enthusiastic (in a fake way, masking sadness, guilt or feelings of inadequacy), your body is used to the chemical cocktail that you produce when you FEEL those emotions.. Every time you focus on the things that make you f
What if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, just think about adding good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow. We basically go about our daily routines with little to no resistance, and wonder why we feel disconnected, lonely, distracted and unfulfilled. Then we stumble across a glimpse of what we were always looking for yet couldn't clarify, and we love the feeling that evokes from inside us. It literally makes our old limits and fear
As children (due to circumstance and environment) we make specific decisions that are our driving Mantra for the rest of our lives.. They become our limits, that we unwittingly choose! * How can I make my father happy? * How can I prove to everyone I'm a good person? * How can I stay invisible and small so that no one sees me and criticizes me? * How can I stay numb so I don't feel this pain yet still function day to day? * How can I make sure I punish myself properly? (Becau
A great thing to let go of today.. Worrying about what others think, the expectations of parents, family and whoever else you're relying on for acceptance.. I cannot tell you how many clients I have spoken with who have been living their whole lives based on either proving a point to their parents/family members, ex's, friends even (!!), silently pleading for approval or validation they are very unlikely to get, or doing it to spite those same people. And in ALL cases the adu
We sometimes take responsibility for other people’s happiness, or their mistakes. We want so badly to help them, whether that’s out of love, or often guilt (because we ‘should’ help them/stay with them, right?) yet all we end up doing is cutting ourselves with their broken pieces.. Addicts for example, do not gravitate towards family and friends who could help them get well, more so they look for people who can help (enable) them to stay sick. Same for abusers, they choose pa
A great way to get social is invite your friends, new and old, to an 'active play date' .. (rather than meeting at a restaurant or coffee shop where there's temptation to indulge) You're adding value to your time by socialising whilst moving your body. People are more likely to relax and feel comfortable connecting on a deeper level, and after 45 minutes your brain releases feel good hormones and a few other goodies that fire up your metabolism.. #bonus! Language is so import
I think people genuinely do believe they want things to be different in their lives, they are sick of the same thing happening over and over, or fed up with being unhealthy, addicted, broke, sad, hating their job/relationship, being angry or *insert your ‘thing’ here*.. It’s almost like we are so comfortable being uncomfortable that we don’t want to do the work, we don’t want to do the challenging stuff, face our fears, or risk disapproval or criticism from others. Like the s
I once read that ‘success is your best revenge’, I thought it was really wise, and I decided to believe it for a long time. However now I wonder how much damage that belief does.. If we are doggedly chasing success (be that weight loss, career, a ‘better’ partner, wealth, etc) in order to have revenge on someone, does that not mean we are still attached to them and what they did, therefore there’s no revenge to be had because we are still giving them or that situation power o
And there it is in all its' simplicity.. because it makes you happy. The amount of people who tell me they aren't doing what they love because: * No one would understand * People would think it's stupid * My parents/partner/friends say it's a waste of money * My kids think it's immature *insert your reason or excuse here* Let me ask you this, when you see someone pursuing a 'weird' hobby, career or interest what do you think or say? Probably not a lot. Possibly 'oh that's dif
What if the people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with on a daily basis are those matching your limiting beliefs? ..and your beliefs about yourself and the world around you aren't that great.. Meaning they can do nothing other than deliver what your subconscious mind is expecting.. It’s confronting to realise that we have chosen our situation. And even more so when we look back and see that’s it’s been a pattern.
‘I didn’t ask for this! No one would! How dare you suggest
I cannot count the times I've sat with clients who are racked with shame and guilt over who they are and what they think they're not.. We get labelled with identities, sometimes from a very young age, that others put on us because IT SUITS THEIR PURPOSE (out of pure ignorance, or they are just rotten and nasty). And we believe it, then we (by default) believe the whole world sees us that way too. This 'being' that we think we are (equally what we think we are not) could also
Nothing in life has meaning other than the meaning YOU assign to it.. How does that work? Something happens – let’s say someone looks at you in a ‘funny’ way. Then you assign a meaning to it: 'Did you SEE the way they looked at me!'
'They think I’m stupid'
'They think they are better than me'
'I know what they are thinking'
'They are judging me'
'They hate me'
'They are going to hurt me' And depending on what meaning you assign to it, that shapes your experience of it. So tha