When we believe we aren't good enough..
Updated: Oct 24
We can’t NOT choose someone who’ll confirm that for us, and we will go back to them, even if it’s a toxic situation.
What’s the thought process behind this? (Because going back won’t make sense to anyone who’s got a healthy sense of Self).
Here it is:
We think to ourselves, ‘if we are so unworthy and undeserving that someone (we kinda knew wasn’t good for us but they wanted us, right?) would treat us like that, how on earth could a good person want us, let alone see us as lovable?’
Side note: 'They' have likely also done a magnificent job of undermining our confidence even further, showing us how unworthy we are by the way they treat us, doing and saying things, confirming what we already believed..
So we miss our unsatisfying or abusive relationship after we’ve left it.
We’ll doubt our decision to leave, we’ll choose to go back to them because:
it’s ‘someone’, it’s better than what we perceive loneliness to be, it’s better than risking rejection from a ‘good’ one, and it’s better than being alone with out thoughts, (the thoughts where we perpetuate our own abuse by repeating all the shit we’ve said to ourselves since we were little).
We are more afraid of being alone, or of further rejection, than of being in a relationship where we are not safe, respected and happy.
The trouble is we regret going back very quickly, but we’re back in the web, we’ve told people, plus we’re ashamed we went back because we’ve literally sewn a King Sized quilt out of the Red Flags they gave us the first time around.
For people who’ve experienced childhood trauma it makes perfect sense that that quilt is more comforting than being alone.
How many times have you ended up back in a situation you left for very good reason?
What’s possible when we stop that pattern, when we sit in our aloneness, get facilitated support to work through WHY we chose that in the first place, find out where it came from, heal from it, and create new more supportive choices, is that we get to meet our new selves.
And that healing leads to much better choices, the ability to attract, relax into, and enjoy a healthy ‘good’ relationship.
One where there is safety, duality, fun, affection and love.
What would it be worth to learn how to stop wasting your time on people who are NEVER going to be what you need in a relationships?