The first thing you must do is forgive yourself for the ways you learned to survive..
If all you knew as a child was abuse, how on earth could you begin to know how to love yourself?
‘If my own parents abused me/didn’t protect me/frightened me/fought constantly/said hateful things to me/hated each other/left etc (false evidence), then I MUST be, or become (survival tactic):
* A pig, stupid, a slut, a piece of shit, disgusting, fat, skinny, too tall, too short, too much, too little
* A piece of meat to be used (that’s just what people do to little girls/boys.. right?)
* A terrified little boy wondering when the next fight will be or where the next hit will come from so I need to scare the shit out of everyone else so I don’t get hurt
* A lonely little girl who becomes afraid of everything so she hides, and cuts, or drinks, or does whatever, whoever, she can to fill the emptiness of neglect
* A people pleaser who exhausts herself trying to prove she’s a good girl
* A submissive, ashamed shell of a human who let’s their partner walk all over them because they ‘know’ they must deserve it, and no one else would want them.. right?
* Turns to food/drugs/alcohol/sex/gambling to feel better, numb out, punish themselves even
I could write for days, these are comments from clients, and that truth is heartbreaking.
You INHERITED the monsters in your head, they were given to you by circumstance and environment. You had no evidence to prove otherwise and you were forced to learn how to cope with that. It’s created patterns that aren’t serving you the way they did when you were little, they’re destroying you, (and possibly the people around you), magnifying the pain instead of numbing it.
They are not your monsters, they are not who you are, they are not the truth. It’s quite possible your parents didn’t know how else to ‘be’ either, because of what they learned (inherited) from their upbringing.. remember sometimes our parents are also suffering from childhoods that damaged them to the core.
The best thing is that you get to break the cycle.
You get to choose that. You can let go of the things you learned, the things you thought were true, the limits you placed on yourself.
And start believing new things, things that are loving and helpful.
Things that will set you free..
You cannot go back and change what happened, you can however change what happens from now on..
Sometimes we aren't even sure what we believe, or if we do know, we are very reluctant to believe differently (or let it go) because we've gathered so much false evidence over our lives that we are actually terrified of who we'll be without those destructive ideals.
We might be aware of our addictions or patterns that are rooted in those negative beliefs and stories, things that are sabotaging our best efforts to live fully, yet not know how to change them. This is when working with a coach will get fantastic results for you.
Think about this, as painful as it may be to stay where you are, it still feels safer than the unknown. BUT.. what is it costing you to hold on to the things that have suffocated you and pushed you to self destruct all these years?